The Funny Side of health care

Humor in health care

It’s good to laugh and it’s good to share your funny stories about health care.

Subj: GREAT, Add this one
Date: 1/9/2007
Two people were talking about a fellow employee, the first said Joe is in the hospital for observation. The other one said no he isn’t, they don’t know what is wrong with him.


We are now collecting funny diet stories.

Subj: New patient
Date: 12/16/2008
A co-worker was doing an intake/evaluation with a new patient, going through all the standard questions, everything was fine until she asked “Have you had any successful suicide attempts?”


Subj: The Final Word
Date: 5/16/2009
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Subj: My chest X-ray
Date: 3/24/2009
Went in to have my chest xrayed, being a former(pro) swimmer the doc came in and said pop off your shirt and don’t take all day. It’s not like you’ve got tits you’ve been carrying in a package all day?


Subj: Questions that haunt me
Date: 12/15/2009
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?


Subj: Colon resection
Date: 1/11/2010
Following an unsuccessful colon resection my pastor came to visit me in the hospital. I told him I no longer had a colon but now had a semicolon. He replied, “Well that’s better than having a period.”


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Subj: Old age home?
Date: 6/13/2010
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”


Subj: Medical opinion of a 12 year old
Date: 1/23/2011
When I was 12 years old I went to the doctor for numbness that kept occurring in my big toes while I was sleeping, when I kept waking up with this problem, my mother decided to take me to the doctor. Upon examination, I gave the doctor my own medical opinion, I told him I slept on my back and that I thought it was because all of the blood drained out of my toes, after a moment of thought, he smirked an said “Imagine what happens when you stand up”, he sure got me on that one.


AskDocWeb: Good one Tawnie, thanks!

Subj: Dark humor
Date: 1/23/2011
This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, “What do you want with arsenic?”

She said “I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman.”
The pharmacist says, “I can’t sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman.”

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

Subj: A Senior Wedding
Date: 1/23/2011
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Subj: Calendar
Date: 10/3/2011
Don’t know if you will print this or not but here is a calendar that is kind of health related that I sent to my brother. Miss Airport 2011.


AskDocWeb: That is a different twist but we liked it so much that we gave it a whole page by itself. Thanks Zach.

Subj: Shortcuts for Seniors
Date: 2/15/2012
* ATD – At the Doctor’s

* BFF – Best Friends Funeral

* BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM – Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* FYI – Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA – Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On

* OMMR – On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* TTYL – Talk to You Louder

* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP – Where’re the Prunes

* WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)


Helpful student nurse
Date: 4/29/2012
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


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