The Funny Side of health care, page 3

Humor in health care

It’s good to laugh and it’s good to share your funny stories about health care.

Rectal exam
Date: 6/23/2012
I’m a CT Tech, and though we try to avoid it, there are times when rectal contrast is recommended. I had this cute, and from what I could tell, wealthy woman in her mid 40’s come in for a CT. I felt that with her particular symptoms, I should suggest the use of rectal contrast. I begin to explain exactly what rectal contrast consists of & as soon as I tell her that I would be inserting an enima tip into her rectum she says ” Oh no sweetheart! Only my husband goes there, and even then I get jewelry!”


Now that almost everyone is hooked up to the Internet I would like to take a moment to clear up some misconceptions:
Anti-Body does not mean against everyone.
Artery does not mean a study of paintings.
Bacteria does not mean the back door to a cafeteria.
Barium is not what to do when treatment fails.
Bowel is not letters like A E I O or U
Caesarean Section is not a district in Rome.
Cardiology is not the advanced study of poker playing.
Cat Scan does not mean searching for ones lost kitty.
Cauterize does not mean you made eye contact with her.
Colic is not a sheep dog.
Coma is not a punctuation mark.
Congenital does not mean friendly.
D & C is not where Washington is located.
Dilate does not mean to live long.
Enema does not mean not a friend.
Fester does not mean quicker.
Genes are not blue denim slacks.
Genital does not mean non-Jewish.
Hangnail does not mean coat hook.
Hemorrhoid is not a male from outer space.
Herpes is not what women do in the Ladies Room.
Hormones is not what a prostitute does when she doesn’t get paid.
Impotent does not mean distinguished or well known.
Inpatient does not mean tired of waiting.
Labor Pain does not mean hurt at work.
Medical Staff is not a doctor’s cane.
Minor Operation does not mean coal digging.
Morbid does not mean a higher bid.
Nitrate does not mean cheaper than the Day Rate.
Node does not mean was aware of…
Organic does not mean organ repairman.
Outpatient does not mean a person who has fainted.
Paralyze does not mean two far-fetched stories.
Pharmacist does not mean person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.
Post-Operative does not mean a letter carrier.
Protein does not mean in favor of young people.
Recovery Room is not a place to upholster furniture.
Rectum is not what happened to the Corvette.
Rheumatic does not mean amorous.
Saline is not where you go on your boyfriend’s boat.
Secretion does not mean hiding something.
Tablet is not a small table.
Terminal Illness does not mean getting sick at the airport.
Tibia is not country in North Africa.
Tumor does not mean an extra pair.
Urine is not the opposite of You’re Out.
Varicose does not mean nearby.
Vein does not mean conceited.


Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied..

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,

But I’m glad I came.

My Travel Plans for 2013
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.


Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well that forgiveness part is up to you!!!

From one unstable person to another… I hope everyone is happy in your head – we’re all doing pretty well in mine!

We’ll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we’ll be new friends.

“Smile”, it gives your face something to do!


To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down!

2. On all your check stubs, write ‘ For Marijuana ‘

3. Skip! down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.



Cure for temper issue
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”


Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here’s what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’ Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’



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